"you're right about the writing process...oddly enough though, i find it's usually in my darkest, saddest moments that the words so easily flow...maybe that's the point..."

"my heart breaks though i know in time it will heal

but never completely as i have a piece of yours

and you will always have a piece of mine..."

"you can feel guilty spending the money to go to europe but you won't feel guilty after you get there..."

"you should use your ass for something productive..."

"put on the monkey mask and come to bed..."

"sometimes i just wanna screw someone that's dressed like a squirrel..."

"i sometimes wear the swim cap during sexy moments..."

"if i weren't so hot, sticky and chaffed...i would have done that all night...

"please don't let my egregious use of punctuation unduly influence your opinion of my writing...i blame society..."

"if there were a superhero who fights for manners and politeness, it would have to be modeled after me...maybe just a little less bitchy..."

"i just know my destiny involves flipping at least one table in my lifetime..."

"oh wow...i've finally met someone who won't say no to me!..."

"i prefer to live my life according to the ancient philosophies of sham-wow/slap chop vince: stop having the boring tuna...stop having the boring life..."

"i never trust anyone wearing ed hardy..."

"and if you wanna cook 'em real quickly, you say the hell with all that and deep fry 'em!..."

"he's not a tool just because he has a fucking parrot!"

"any man who lets you go is useless to the entire world..."

"vintage pimp golden nugget men's rhinestone cuff links...now if that don't say style with a capital motha' fucka then they ain't nothin' else out there that do..."

"it's a woman's behind up in the air...i mean...that's not good for the children..."

"she thinks she's some sort of fashionista and says she's so ahead of the curve, but she's really just on the cusp of now..."

"my mom's bread pudding is drenched in rum and full of raisins..."

*pause*

"are we talking about your mom's bread pudding....or your mom's bread pudding..."