"classy is liking the bling bling in the mouth..."

"honey, you get your legs up that high and something's bound to not look good..."

"i'm young and agile... and supple... and probably drunk..."

"they sound like they're the kind of tree hugging people who would wash paper plates..."

"i'm gonna be so rich, i'll be able to wipe my ass with dollar bills!..."

"as soon as i'm done procrastinating, i'm gonna get something done..."

"male strip clubs are bullshit!...i don't wanna waste my money watching some dude dance in a speedo...i want dicks!...i want balls on my forehead!...i'm just sayin' it's just not fair we don't get the same as guys do at female strip clubs..."

"i mean look at me...clearly, i have maintenance issues..."

"i'm a big, blonde, fluffy hairball out of orange county..."

"the best advice i ever got was it's better to be half-naked than a three-eyed monkey..."

"she thinks she's this great communicator...in reality, she's just a passive aggressive bitch..."

"happy pony's on...and i'm not missing happy pony...wtf is happy pony..."

"being a passive aggressive bitch over text is so the new black..."

"some people call it the afterglow... i just call it the aftermath..."

"99% awesome...100% of the time..."

"they said the best was next door...they lied...it was around the corner and down the street..."

"safe words don't count as code words!..."

"when a girl is past her twenties and is still unmarried...there's usually something..."

"i'm not really a religious person...but i do pray for opportunities to make fun of people..."

"if by 'morning person' you mean someone who goes to bed around 5 or 6 am...then yes, i am a morning person..."

"this isn't melrose place...and you're not amanda woodward..."

"my advice to you... keep it wound... whether it's your watch or your personality... there's something to be said for being wound up..."

"i should put it on...it's fancy...i get attention...i like attention..."

"she said her first time was with me but you know...she's one of those christian girls..."

"i've never drinken so much in my entire life!..."

"oh, there's skin on the chicken?...i better put my teeth in..."

"oh my gawd...los angeles is so ridiculous...they don't have any red lobsters, outbacks or party cities..."

"everyone knows if it's on a toothpick, it's not fattening..."

"you don't look old, you look young and fresh!... like a 35yr old..."

"there's something very hookeresque sounding about calling yourself a professional entertainer..."

"you're right about the writing process...oddly enough though, i find it's usually in my darkest, saddest moments that the words so easily flow...maybe that's the point..."

"my heart breaks though i know in time it will heal

but never completely as i have a piece of yours

and you will always have a piece of mine..."

"you can feel guilty spending the money to go to europe but you won't feel guilty after you get there..."

"you should use your ass for something productive..."

"put on the monkey mask and come to bed..."

"sometimes i just wanna screw someone that's dressed like a squirrel..."

"i sometimes wear the swim cap during sexy moments..."

"if i weren't so hot, sticky and chaffed...i would have done that all night...

"please don't let my egregious use of punctuation unduly influence your opinion of my writing...i blame society..."

"if there were a superhero who fights for manners and politeness, it would have to be modeled after me...maybe just a little less bitchy..."

"i just know my destiny involves flipping at least one table in my lifetime..."

"oh wow...i've finally met someone who won't say no to me!..."

"i prefer to live my life according to the ancient philosophies of sham-wow/slap chop vince: stop having the boring tuna...stop having the boring life..."

"i never trust anyone wearing ed hardy..."

"and if you wanna cook 'em real quickly, you say the hell with all that and deep fry 'em!..."

"he's not a tool just because he has a fucking parrot!"

"any man who lets you go is useless to the entire world..."

"vintage pimp golden nugget men's rhinestone cuff links...now if that don't say style with a capital motha' fucka then they ain't nothin' else out there that do..."

"it's a woman's behind up in the air...i mean...that's not good for the children..."

"she thinks she's some sort of fashionista and says she's so ahead of the curve, but she's really just on the cusp of now..."

"my mom's bread pudding is drenched in rum and full of raisins..."

*pause*

"are we talking about your mom's bread pudding....or your mom's bread pudding..."

"only if i had it tattooed on my forehead could i be a bigger fool..."

"i'm so sick of these corporate robot managers trying to out-do each other on the motivational front with their 'read this book, it'll really put your career in focus' and 'listen to this cd in the car, it'll really get you ready for the day ahead' bullshit...i mean seriously...don't they know that's what therapists are for?..."

"if you want another drink, go ahead and order one...and i'll order a really long straw..."

"you should see me...i have on a red wig and fake eyelashes...i was going for hot but instead i look like ronald mcdonald..."

"he's coming up to meet me and it's been a while so i'll have to take him home and...you know..."